kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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