hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
