im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
he was CRYING into my vagina
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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