im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
