Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
