Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
