I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
