I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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