in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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