every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
