you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
