I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
