We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
