i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize