woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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