she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
