explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
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