Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
