my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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