wrigley field is MILF paradise
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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