then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
