Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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