Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
