Will you blow on my dice?
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize