Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
