Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
