I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
