My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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