it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I can't put those talents on a resume
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