i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
He did a backflip because drugs
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
