I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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