He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
