??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
