My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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