Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
