this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
operation harelip BJ is a go
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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