I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
