Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Randomize
