Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
