He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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