ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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