I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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