This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
