It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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