I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
