why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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