too bad you live with your parents still
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
