So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
