I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
