the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
