PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
