Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
