this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
