So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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