I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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