Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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