I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You left your phone here
Wait...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
