No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
