haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
where are my eyebrows?
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