I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he shaved USA in his pubs
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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